The Matters of The Heart

Guest Blogger:

The following blog was written by Raina Simon from her personal blog: Journey with Rai.

Call Me A Romantic

I thought I knew at least enough about love to maintain a relationship in high school.

Call me a romantic, because I had it all planned out and ideal in my mind how my romance story would go. Yet my high school boyfriend and I broke up about 2 years in and it was down hill from there.

I didn’t handle the break up well at all. I was torn. I couldn’t believe that the relationship I poured into and vice versa was over (it was mutual but it still hurt). I instantly became numb, closing off and building walls one day at a time, yet simultaneously opening my heart, mind, and body to people and thoughts that were of no value to me; things and people who only took from me, and only replaced me with more emptiness. I was through!

I’ll never forget the day my dad said “why didn’t you tell me you guys broke up? I would have been there for you.”

Those words sat heavy on me for a long time because I didn’t have to go through it alone, yet my numbness closed me out from reaching out for help I so desperately needed. Almost at the end of my senior year in high school I finally began to slowly thaw out, and the Raina that was exposed was so ugly! Scared from the pain, far removed from my morals and values, and feeling less than, I was a mess! Before taking the full time to heal I just sank deeper into that hole of negativity.

Though for three years I remained single after that, I only went deeper into a active depression and found myself attached to people who couldn’t love me the way I needed, and I filled my mind with things that couldn’t provide more than a few minutes of pleasure. I was weak, hurt and far removed from love; God!

During those three years I fought against what I knew was right, and it wasn’t until the middle of  semester one of sophomore year of college did I really make efforts to make a significant change. I snatched myself worth of the ground, found my “why” for life, began the process of regaining my confidence, rekindling the idea of love, and really moving forward!

In the beginning it started by me forgiving myself, facing the hurt, and  loving on myself, remembering my morals and values, and putting it into action! Starting small by facing the truth of my reality; I was single and that was okay. I didn’t need hugs, kisses, compliments or anything else for me to be validated. That propelled me to start telling guys I wasn’t about wasting my time, I wanted what was real, I wanted a love that saw me “naked” and somehow found it beautiful.

I needed to not only speak the talk, but walk the walk. I not only wanted what was real, but I wanted the respect that comes with it! I’m not dissing the men I had a pleasure of speaking, or having “situation-ships”with (not condoning this idea at all). Each has brought a unique twist, lesson, or better yet a new understanding about love, and life for me. But I knew God was calling me to hold myself to higher standards.

As I realigned, I promised myself that if a break up came my way again I would not revert to that dark place I found myself in senior year of highschool.

Summer 17

So my story restarts here. I began to regain that needed confidence, strength and healing over time, and I prepared myself for whatever God had in store for me. 

I thought I was done having to restart, and relearn life with someone (at least I wanted it to be done).

Summer 2017,  I fell in love with “waterboy” my high school admirer! Quite the sweet heart, hard worker, and much more! This guy adored me, it was refreshing to feel that finally I loved someone as much as they loved me if not more! It was beautiful! I mean I was taken care of and I couldn’t complain. 

Then real life and distance set in and ran a havoc, jealousy set a blaze, mistrust, and misguided thoughts destroyed the foundation we thought we built on solid ground! Though we shared amazing days, letters, dates, and devoted time together we hadn’t gotten the true meaning of love down packed! Without that t